Wow, you could have a lovely colonial in Woonsocket or Johnston or Pawtucket for the amount you spend on avocado toast each year. Such a shame that your urban millennial tastes are preventing you from living a respectable lifestyle in the greatest little state in the Union. Millennials simply cannot delay their pleasure for future rewards. I’ll pray for you.

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Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here!

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