What’s Your Favorite Season?

Which one is your true love?

Three women, DONNA, KIMBER and MICHELLE are in a coffee shop together in front of a fireplace enjoying beverages. Pace starts off dreamy and slow.

DONNA: (deep, contented sigh) I just love winter.

KIMBER: Me too.

MICHELLE: It makes it so cozy to stay inside.

DONNA: Look at the fire.

MICHELLE: Read on my Kindle.

KIMBER: I love winter so much.

DONNA: You know what else I love, though?

MICHELLE: What, Donna?

DONNA: Spring.

Small sighs of content and happiness from Kimber and Michelle.

KIMBER: Spring is really a wonderful season.

MICHELLE: Spring makes me feel like I could do anything and not get caught.

DONNA: I could run off into the forest and survive on berries for months during spring.

KIMBER: In spring you could take uppers all day long and people would think they were antihistamines.

MICHELLE: In the spring you could bury a guinea pig and buy a replacement on your lunch break with hardly any trouble at all.

They all nod serenely and murmur, “yes, that’s true,” “much easier to dig” “very pleasant season.” They take sips of their beverages. Kimber puts her down with a start. Pace picks up a little here.

KIMBER: But gals — what about summer?

MICHELLE: Summer means being able to keep large power tools on a motorboat no one in your family knows you own.

DONNA: In the summer I can slip out of the house under the sound of the AC units and perform secret rituals on the country club golf course.

KIMBER: Summer means never having to say you’re sorry for putting foxglove in a martini and then being really good at acting surprised by the lab results.

Ladies all murmur, “so true,” “love summer,” “beautiful season,” “mmm foxglove” “good times.” They keep drinking until Donna puts her cup down and takes a deep breath as if she’s about to reveal a secret.

DONNA: You know what truly gets my blood pumping though, lady pack?

MICHELLE: What, Donna?

DONNA: My deep, passionate love for fall.

The mood shifts. This one is serious.

KIMBER: Just how much do you “love fall,”Donna? Enough to send bombs through the federal mail system?

DONNA: If I could find a good hideout in advance. How ‘bout you, Michelle? How much do you love fall?

MICHELLE: Oh, I would do anything to show fall how much I love it. Anything.

DONNA: Would you throw your son Miles out the car window for a pumpkin latte?

MICHELLE: Without question.

DONNA: Would you euthanize your spaniels for fall, Kimber?

KIMBER: I would consider it an honor.

MICHELLE: (deceptively innocent delivery) Would you kill your husband to be with fall?

Long pause from Kimber.

KIMBER: If fall asked me to, and promised to take care of me emotionally and financially for the rest of my life and provide constant companionship, then yes, I believe I would. I would kill my husband to be with fall.


DONNA: Me three.

They hold hands. Joyful laughing from all three that trails off after uncomfortable period.

KIMBER: So, what should our next book club pick be?


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Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here!