Totally Safe Post-Election Thanksgiving Small Talk

Actually, can we do an activity that involves no talking, please?

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I only trust pie.

Emotions are running high on both sides of the aisle in this post-election world. There are protests in the streets, a wave of political donations to different causes, and think pieces galore circulating on social media. All just in time for families across the country to sit down and share Thanksgiving dinner with each other. Given the current political situation in these United States, a conflict-free, calorie-laden meal may be just what we all need right now.

Here are basic, NON-POLITICAL topics for small talk that should get you through any Thanksgiving…regardless of how you or your loved ones voted.

It’s so nice to have a few days off from work.

Yes, it is! It’s so nice to not have to go in and look at a computer for a while! Oh, you’ve been on the computer reading a lot of news lately, Dad? Mainly Breitbart? Oh, boy…okay, um, let’s just agree it’s nice to be away from our screens for a bit. Screen detox!

There is weather.

You have the window open while you’re cooking? Yes, it is warmer than usual this time of ye–nope, let’s just move on right from there. We have so many other things to discuss, like…

The traffic on the way over was bad.

Really, very bad. We tried to leave early to beat it, but I guess we didn’t leave early enough. No, I don’t know what caused the traffic. No, probably not an influx of Syrian refugees into the country, Uncle Bill. Jeez. And even if they were, what — no — just…bad traffic. Traffic was bad. We should have left earlier. You’re right.

The food in the oven smells good.

Are we having the same thing as usual, Mom? I’m sorry, I thought you said you cut out the couscous because it reminds you of ISIS? Ha! Wait…you DID say that? That’s so — I mean, there’s plenty of food here, we’re fine without the couscous. Let us never speak of it again.

Pass the wine, please.

Any kind. Red or white is fine, Dianne. Oh, you think they’re both equally bad choices, which is exactly why you didn’t vote at all? Come on, Dianne! You gave up one of your core rights as — keep pouring, that’s nowhere near enough wine.

These rolls are soft.

Which bakery did they come from again? Oh, that place is wonderful. Yes, they are a great, small family-owned business…no, the government is NOT going to try and force them to sell rolls to people against their religious beliefs! Well, Mike Pence is wrong! You shouldn’t even be asking about people’s sexual — you know what? I’m just going to stuff a few of these soft rolls into my mouth now. Can’t talk for a few minutes.

People in this town are doing things.

Jamie Thompson is pregnant again? Good for her. Michael Jamison got a job in San Francisco and is moving the whole family out there? That’s a big change for them. Tim Mickles won’t shut up about the crying liberals on Facebook and is posting lots of photos from rallies where he’s wearing — MOVING ON! NO! DO NOT BRING THAT UP ON YOUR PHONE! I DON’T WANT TO SEE A PICTURE!

We drank all the booze.

Who knows why we would all be drinking more than usual? I certainly don’t. All those toasts to the electoral college had nothing to do with it, I’m sure. Can we do an activity that involves no talking, please?

“Kevin Can Wait” is a TV show currently on the air.

We can all agree we want to watch this Kevin James sitcom on CBS? Phew. Well it IS nice to be able to escape into media. You’re right, Jimmy, this is a really relaxing show. The laugh track is really soothing and — NO, LET’S NOT CHECK HANNITY ON THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!

More pie?

Yes. Let’s all eat until we can forget.

The piece was originally published The Second City Network. Want more comedy and satire news, links, and opportunities? Subscribe to my bimonthly newsletter here.

Written by

Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here!

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