Ah, summer camp. That magical place where you learned to swim, build fires and perform sexual maneuvers with some degree of dexterity (according to every version of camp ever portrayed on film). But eventually you grew up, got a boring job and camp went away forever — even though there’s still so much more to learn.
Here are some Grown-Up Summer Camps to keep developing those essential life skillz:
APPROPRIATE EYE CONTACT CAMP
An issue many of us continue to struggle with long into adulthood, this intensive week-long camp consists of only one activity: looking directly at your campmates for five seconds, then away for two. Campers who succeed in not making anyone feel uncomfortable the entire week receive a $50 Dave & Buster’s gift card.
HOW TO MAKE ADULT FRIENDS CAMP
Campers are split into teams purely according to shared interests, attractiveness and income brackets. They then spend time exclusively with their cohort eating sushi and going to very loud bars whether they like each other or not. Boom — adult friends made!
CORRECT OFFICE BEHAVIOR CAMP
All participants will spend mornings creating unique email signatures and debating how many exclamation points should be used in business emails. In the evening, everyone gathers around the campfire for exciting role plays such as:
- Peeing at the Same Time as Your Boss
- Passive-Aggressively Undermining Your Co-Worker in a Meeting
- Crying Silently at Your Desk After Your Review
HOW TO LEAVE A SOCIAL EVENT CAMP
Campers will spend the week practicing farewell techniques such as ghosting out of a party, feigning food sickness to go home early and the “Let’s-Get-Together-Soon-Lie-Good-bye.” Campers are awarded bonus points for leaving the camp itself without anyone noticing.
WORKING OUT AS AN ADULT CAMP
This camp is designed for people who exercise because they know they have to in order not to die. Campers will slowly walk on treadmills, use the elliptical on the lowest resistance setting and sit in saunas convincing themselves the sweat counts as a workout. Every night campers undo any minimal calorie burn by drinking four craft beers with dinner.*
*Campers should bring an eco-friendly water bottle, which they will promptly lose on the first day.
SHOULD YOU GET A DOG? CAMP
Campers will spend an exciting two weeks in various dog parks reading back issues of Dog Fancy, debating cute v. practical dog names and calculating the largest animal they can morally and ethically keep in the square footage of their apartment. At the end of the summer, campers are put on a waiting list for a rescued Miniature Australian Shepherd puppy that they will never receive.
DOUBLE DATING CAMP
A romantic adults-only camp for you and your significant other! And thirty other couples who may or may not make suitable dinner party companions. Daily activities include Carefully Skirting That Racist Thing The Girlfriend Said, fake fighting over bills, and judging each other’s major life decisions. This camp takes place exclusively in overpriced chain restaurants.
STUDENT LOAN CAMP
This spiritual camp focuses on meditation techniques that empower campers to develop mantras such as, “It Will Be Forgiven in 30 Years,” “Just Don’t Open the Envelopes” and “Maybe I’ll Die First.” Special emphasis is also placed on the Buddhist notion of impermanence as it relates to choosing the wrong major.
SALARY NEGOTIATION CAMP
At this month-long retreat in a suburban office park, campers will make lanyards that represent their salary demands. Female camper’s lanyards start thirty percent shorter than male camper’s and never catch up in length no matter how frantically they braid.
HOW TO CAMP CAMP
Activities include paying someone else to set up your tent, using DEET without getting it in your mouth and which $1,300 portable kitchen camping set you should purchase on Amazon. Campers will also enjoy a bonus breakout session on aggressive acting techniques to pretend that they are actually enjoying themselves while camping.