Parsed Subtext of Greeters at Mall Clothing Stores

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The truth lies within

Welcome to Urban Outfitters! Please enjoy cheap material covered in patterns stolen from independent artists who will never see a dime of profit from your purchase!

Welcome to Old Navy! Everything is basically free and made of incredibly thin material so that your nipples will always show through!

Welcome to J. Crew! May I suggest that the reason our jackets do not fit you is because you don’t belong to the American ruling class?

Welcome to Victoria’s Secret! There isn’t enough padding in the world to cover the wounds to your self-esteem you about to sustain.

Welcome to H+M! I’m pleased to officially confirm that every single trend in this store will make you look worse than you do right now.

Welcome to Anthropologie! May I not-so-subtly imply that our clothing will never hang right on your disgusting, misshapen body?

Welcome to Hot Topic! We’re just as embarrassed as you are.

Welcome to Brooks Brothers! The food court is that way, you’ve obviously made a wrong turn.

Written by

Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here!

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