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5:15am: Leap of out bed, so excited to get those first 24 ounces of ice-cold magic down into my belly! No better way to wake up the system than to shock it with a cold water attack.

5:45am: Heat up 16 ounces of water with lemon and sip on that baby while I pin a variety of water images onto my various water-themed Pinterest boards.

7:45am: Pinterest time complete, I slam a few shots of water with my fish oil pills and daily Multi-Vit.

8:30am: Jam on half a Nalgene on the commute. Feel a big pee coming on, but do not pee on the train today. Little victories!

9:15am: Do not make it to work, pee in a Starbucks for one minute, thirteen seconds after begging for the password and cutting the line. V clear. Grab a branded water bottle to go.

9:30–11:30am: Sit at my desk and focus on finishing on the gallon of water I keep next to my bonsai tree. Pop the button on my pants as my belly expands. Life force is v high at this point, feeling v hydrated and centered. Mediate on water goddesses from various religions and cultures. Do no work.

11:30–2:30pm: This time period is a blur as I visit the bathroom once every approximately 7–9 minutes for the entire three hour period. Still v clear, crushing my water intake today. Slam my second gallon.

2:30–6:00pm: Pee myself a little during a 10-minute meeting. Co-worker asks if I’m getting ready to have surgery. She just doesn’t get that hydration lyfe. I feel bad for her. Drink another half gallon in her honor.

6:00–7:00pm: Feeling v sloshy on the train. Throw up some water in my mouth, wash it down with a lil more water from a bottle I found abandoned on the train platform. Can’t leave any fallen water soldiers behind.

7:00–9:00pm: I exercise, doing bicep curls with gallon water jugs and lunges holding them in my arms. I put a plastic sheet down on the rug because I’m peeing pretty much constantly at this point, as per my hydration plan. Drink another half gallon to replace everything I’m peeing out.

9:00–10:00: Tweet at some of my fav water accounts, post some dope water pics on Insta, drink six cups of chamomile tea, take a bath to let in some water through the skin (and also pee laying down, one of life’s small pleasures).

10:00–11:30: Look up symptoms of water poisoning online. Nope, not there yet! I like to go right up to the edge, drink all the water I possible can before it kills me. That is #truehydrationlyfe.

11:30–11:45: Get ready for bed, another restful night of getting up 30–40 times to pee out this water is ahead of me! Goal is to be #alwaysclear.

Written by

Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here!

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