As a Member of the Institutional Investor Class, You Must Cease and Desist This Violent Trading Against My Bank Account

This game must stop!

Caitlin Kunkel

--

stonks

“On Wall Street, individual investors are often derided as “dumb money,” destined to lose against the highly compensated analysts and traders who buy and sell stocks for a living. But in recent days, individual investors — many of them followers of a popular, juvenile, foul-mouthed Reddit page called Wall Street Bets — have upended that narrative by banding together to put the squeeze on at least two hedge funds that had bet that GameStop’s shares would fall.”The New York Times, January 27, 2021

“It’s just a way of attacking wealthy people. It’s inappropriate and we all gotta work together and pull together.” Billionaire Leon Cooperman

Look here, you average Joes and Josephinas — I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but this brutal attack upon my short positions simply will not stand. Not in the polite, decent American financial systems that I have tirelessly engineered for my own benefit!

Do you even hear the cries of my several Ivy-League-Educated adult children, now vulnerable and exposed hedge fund owners of their own? How can you shut your eyes to their bleeding bank accounts, their hemorrhaging third homes, their mutilated balance sheets? Can you smell their despair, leaking out of their pores as they go on CNBC to decry your sadistic pack collaborative action?

Let me explain the stock market to you, as your brains are obviously too scrambled by Reddit to understand your own terrorist actions. When I short companies, I do so in a respectful, gentlemanly way — by betting huge amounts of money that a company is overvalued, or by using legal tactics like PFOF to front-run the market. Perfectly gentlemanly stuff!

When you short-squeeze me on said positions, you upset the markets, destabilize the economy, and ruin my ability to enjoy my $44 million dollar Miami mansion. By pumping and dumping stocks, you are pumping and dumping the very bedrock of the financial system that all of us must (unfortunately) share.

You brutalize us, and for what? The memes? No meme is worth the amount of professional embarrassment and monetary loss I am…

--

--

Caitlin Kunkel

Satirist + pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna. Sign up for my newsletter, Input/Ouput: https://inputandoutput.substack.com/