As a Member of the Institutional Investor Class, You Must Cease and Desist This Violent Trading Against My Bank Account
“On Wall Street, individual investors are often derided as “dumb money,” destined to lose against the highly compensated analysts and traders who buy and sell stocks for a living. But in recent days, individual investors — many of them followers of a popular, juvenile, foul-mouthed Reddit page called Wall Street Bets — have upended that narrative by banding together to put the squeeze on at least two hedge funds that had bet that GameStop’s shares would fall.” — The New York Times, January 27, 2021
“It’s just a way of attacking wealthy people. It’s inappropriate and we all gotta work together and pull together.” Billionaire Leon Cooperman
Look here, you average Joes and Josephinas — I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but this brutal attack upon my short positions simply will not stand. Not in the polite, decent American financial systems that I have tirelessly engineered for my own benefit!
Do you even hear the cries of my several Ivy-League-Educated adult children, now vulnerable and exposed hedge fund owners of their own? How can you shut your eyes to their bleeding bank accounts, their hemorrhaging third homes, their mutilated balance sheets? Can you smell their despair, leaking out of their pores as they go on CNBC to decry your sadistic pack collaborative action?
Let me explain the stock market to you, as your brains are obviously too scrambled by Reddit to understand your own terrorist actions. When I short companies, I do so in a respectful, gentlemanly way — by betting huge amounts of money that a company is overvalued, or by using legal tactics like PFOF to front-run the market. Perfectly gentlemanly stuff!
When you short-squeeze me on said positions, you upset the markets, destabilize the economy, and ruin my ability to enjoy my $44 million dollar Miami mansion. By pumping and dumping stocks, you are pumping and dumping the very bedrock of the financial system that all of us must (unfortunately) share.
You brutalize us, and for what? The memes? No meme is worth the amount of professional embarrassment and monetary loss I am suffering right now. Everytime you say the word “stonks” or make fake Marx book covers, or reference “The Big Short “ (2021), my wounded ego lets out another primal screech, and my ancestors roll over in their private mausoleums!
I pay for lobbyists to shape the markets to be more easily exploited by myself and my colleagues, and you STEAL that money from me when you use publicly available information to trade stonks.
Do you see how your speculative savagery has addled my brain, a brain whose previous biggest concern was the performance of my high-frequency trading algorithms and my stable of high-end race horses?
Do you see how you’ve been exploiting me, in a way that is OK when I do it to you, but not OK when you do it to me? You’re forcing me and my gentleman colleagues to sell off the winners in our portfolios in order to raise funds to cover our short positions. The resulting market selloff will hurt all of you significantly more than us. And believe me, you have hurt us greatly.
So take heed, Thicc Dads Club and others of your ilk. Take heed, chaos agents and class traitors like Elon Musk. Take heed, all of you who are exploiting my very person to pay off your student loans, medical bills, and generally experience even one moment free from financial anxiety.
Elie Wiesel had a quote that I am going to paraphrase here to suit my own actions: “We must always take sides. Silence encourages the Redditor, never the institutional investor class.”
So I am speaking out now: I condemn your violent mob investment strategies, your unfair attacks against the institutional investor class, and I will see you shortly…in hell!
Caitlin Kunkel is a writer, satirist, and pizza scientist. She created the Online Satire Writing Program for The Second City, and you can purchase her popular class “Writing Topical Satire…Fast!” from Pandemic University here. She’s the co-founder of the Satire and Humor Festival. Subscribe to her writing newsletter here.