10 Essential Forks to Have on Hand for Tonight’s Presidential Debate

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get your forks ready, folks!

Your first fork: to tap nervously on the table each time Trump dodges a topic and Lester Holt doesn’t force him to answer the question.

A second fork: to clutch tightly in anticipation of Trump finally getting pressure about releasing his tax returns.

A third fork: to throw at the TV if Gennifer Flowers is actually shown sitting in the audience as a guest of the Trump campaign.

A fourth fork: to jab in your own eyes every time Trump mentions Mexico paying for the wall.

The ever important fifth fork: to lightly gouge out your ear drums whenever the words “Benghazi,” “email” or “pneumonia” are mentioned.

A very sharp sixth fork: to stab in your thigh to keep from screaming each time Trump insinuates that Clinton is hiding neurological problems from the public.

A seventh fork: to set quietly on the table and just look at, since you really can’t afford to hurt yourself anymore because if Trump is elected his plan to repeal the Affordable Care Act will result in increasing the number of uninsured Americans from 24.9 million to 44.6 million.

An eighth and ninth fork: to hug tightly against your chest and rock softly as you allow the fear you feel for the future of your children and their children to quietly permeate your body and soul.

A tenth fork: because it’s rude to eat potato salad with your hands.

This piece was picked up and published on The Second City Network.

Written by

Satirist and pizza scientist. Co-founder of The Belladonna + Satire and Humor Festival. Buy my book “New Erotica for Feminists” here! https://amzn.to/2HnQf8m

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